Stop Touching Things

"Miss! you can't touch the artwork..."
"He means you, too, G-ma"

Monday, April 21, 2014

Twitter is like evesdropping on inside jokes

Because I refuse to admit that I can't keep up with "Kids These Days", I have signed up with the social media mega giant TWITTER. That was, oh, five years ago, and I can barely understand it.
I've got selfies down pat

I get the concept. I know how to post what I'M doing, I even get hashtags! #notaloser I get what they were meant for AND I get what they've become...

... so what's the deal? I can't follow a tweeter for sheet. If I was only following one person and was reading the feed constantly, I'd be golden, but that's not what happens. To me this is what happens:

@awesomeperson tweets: THIS! #ihatethis and leaves it at that and SIMULTATIOUSLY people are retweeting this, commenting on it, and also random non-related tweets are thrown in. AND THEN people start responding to the replies and then the original tweet is lost and there is no frame of reference to what anyone is saying #wtfjusthappened.

My eyes turn into the swirling depths of the twilight zone and the 'whooo oooo whooo' sound plays through my head and I think "I'm too old for this!" 

I imagine those scenes in movies where the lonely telepath stands in the middle of  a city plaza with crowds of people passing all around... hands over ears... getting all giggle and cry-y over all the random thoughts going through their head that they can't keep straight. That's how I feel trying to read a twitter feed.

So, like I said a bajillion times, "Twitter is like an inside joke that you are not apart of."  You laugh because everyone else is laughing. You get irate because everyone else is pissed. You get whatever is happening, but if you stopped for just 15 seconds you'd realize... you were just confused. I mean, that is, unless you're one of the before mentioned "KTD" who still have enough room on each brain cell to keep track of that shit. #mybrainistired

So, I've mastered the selfie, and figured out (for the most part) Facebook #dontgetmestartedongoogle+ and have become hilariously amused by hashtags, but I am going to leave it up the kids to tweet. In fact, I'm going to have my 11 year old nephew tweet for me and I'll show him how to master fast forwarding cassette tapes to get to that song you want. #toosophisticatedforthis